any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
