Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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