his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
