i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
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Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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