Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
