Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
