I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
