We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
