God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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