I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
