If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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