The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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