I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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