as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
