Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
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So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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