the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
