I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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