I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
