i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
