Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
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I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
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She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.