Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Lo siento on account of my penis...