Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..