peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
It was confusing and full of hummus
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire