Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
