I'm going to jail i love you
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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