Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
