kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize