i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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