Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
