why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
