if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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