remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
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Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
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I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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