so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
