I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
