I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
