Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
