yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
