Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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