I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
