she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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