Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
