Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
