had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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