If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
