I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
