Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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