it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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