Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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