Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
