just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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