just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you didnt know i had herpes?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
