I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
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It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
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Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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