she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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