New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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