I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
