I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
