Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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