i already hear my dad disowning me
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
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