we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
