He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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