why didn't you poke me back
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
