I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
